When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
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Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
Death certificates are our last participation award.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.