If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
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I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.