Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
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5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share