Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
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In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles