Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
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little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible