this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
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I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
Every work meeting this week
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
Me, in DM rooms…
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
#Caturday
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫