always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
You Might Also Like
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast