Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
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Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
My dad teaching me to drive
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
Good advice.
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!