I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
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*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.