If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
You Might Also Like
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”