i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
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I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
anyone else like Italian cereal
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”