Cartman: Respect my
a a
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It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard: