I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
You Might Also Like
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
Two types of dogs.
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
Nice try, NASA
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without