I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
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Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
God has left this place
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.