Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
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My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish