DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
You Might Also Like
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
Seems legit
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*