Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
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Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
getting groceries
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.