my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
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[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.