Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
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“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?