The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
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It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
the best thing i’ve ever made
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.