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Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.