If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
You Might Also Like
This could be us, but you weedin’.
Hot Panini is in big trouble
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing