Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
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My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
IT’S-A ME,
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]