Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
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Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.