me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
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What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on