Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
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How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
Me redecorating every room in my mind
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.