*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
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So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?