in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
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wtf is a larm clock?
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…