Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
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[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
It’s the weekend y’all
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
Cheer up.
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot