When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
You Might Also Like
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
I have questions??
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
Saturday
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups