Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
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Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball