My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
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me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
My flabber has been gasted.
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
Siri: Retweet me.
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o