True
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Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.