I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
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I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark