[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
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Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
#parenting
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast