Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
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It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
TEETH IS INNOCENT
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”