My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
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President The Rock Obama
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
If only
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?