Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
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UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
What the hell happened in there??
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity