As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
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Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.