So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
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Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
Taco Bell, Exit 22
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*