They got a point!
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Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
Admin smashed it 😂
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!