The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
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Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
If I ignore life will it go away?
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….