[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
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Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
Every damn time
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.