John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
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hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
*performs CPR on the turkey*
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
🏙👨🏼
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.