My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
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6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
getting groceries
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers