People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
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“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you鈥檙e missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you鈥檙e wondering why i鈥檓 so diabolical
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I鈥檓 wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it鈥檚 a long story, Bush鈥檚 Country Style Baked Beans
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
馃ぃdope
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
ME: I鈥檓 so nervous. It鈥檚 my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
creepiest cooking vid i鈥檝e ever seen
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else