next time i open up to someone is during surgery
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I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter