Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
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Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
Employees must applaud the planets.
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
How do you milk an almond?
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl