Introverted vegans go meetless
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God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers