It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
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me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY